Podcast: Letting It Shine with Dr. Judith Wright

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At the risk of sounding like I'm sitting atop a high horse, I'm going to note an important distinction.

There is a sweet difference between LEARNING how to be our best selves and actually BEING our best selves, no?

For instance.  It's awesome to post inspirational quotes to our Facebook walls.  It's even awesomer to heed those words and actually conduct our REAL lives in a way that makes us proud.  Yes?

My high horse is out to pasture.  I make that distinction because I realize that even despite my passion for self-development work, when I am triggered towards a pattern I'd like to change, actually MAKING those changes is…ummm...how do I say…it is FREAKING HARD.  And SCARY.

That's why I like how Dr. Judith and Dr. Bob Wright differentiate between "learning," "growing," and "transforming" in their book, "Transformed!  The Science of Spectacular Living:"

• Learning - knowing something you didn't know before
• Growing - doing something you haven't done before
• Transforming - becoming someone you've never been before

The Wrights studied the small group of "Positive Deviants" who made quantum leaps forward when they emerged from the Wright Leadership Institute, as opposed to most of their peers, who made significant but incremental improvements.  They figured out what separated these two groups, and they created a process (and this book) to help other people become Positive Deviants, too.

Positive Deviation?  Sign me up for some of that.

Dr. Judith also coined the term "soft addictions," which I talked about in this particularly awesome post which no one saw because I changed URLs that same day and accidentally broke all of my mail chimp links.  Whoops.  (Bop on over.  Surely you want to.)

Now guess what.

It is with elf-like happy dances that I announce a new "Catching the Light" Podcast Series in which I will to be interviewing brilliant (as in "smart" but mostly "luminescent") thought-leaders to get their best tips on how to "Let It Shine" in the real world.

And guess what else.  Dr. Judith Wright (a radiant being and "one of the most sought-after self-help gurus in the country") is my first guest.

Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity-dog!

Here's the podcast:

[powerpress]

Listen in the car, or while you're cleaning or working out or whatevs.  I can't wait to hear what you think of it.

Podcast Highlights:

• How to address that "itch you cannot scratch" (feeling unfulfilled despite tremendous achievements.)
• The key to being happy BEFORE losing the weight, finding the spouse, or meeting that next goal.
• How to use the "So That Test" to figure out what your soul yearns for.
• Judith's reflections on my self-judgement about yearning to be seen.
• Simple components necessary for old dogs to learn new tricks.
• What to keep in mind if you feel like there's "no use" in making changes because people cast you into a role you can't escape.
• How seemingly harmless activities like habitual-facebook-checking or shopping addictions make us "numb and dumber."
• One small thing you can do today to become your "next most radiant self."

Podcast Quotables (click to tweet):

"We think 'this is just the way it is.' No: it's the way you're wired.  You can do something about it." - Judith

"Any career can be made into a calling and any calling can be made into a career." - unknown

"Science proves old dogs CAN learn new tricks.  We're just AFRAID to change, or we don't want to do the work." - Bethany

"You know what's a sign of weakness?  Not changing." - Judith

"92% of Americans admit to having soft addictions and I think the other 8% are in denial." - Judith

"Live this day more adventurously. Get a little out of your comfort zone. What emerges will be a glimpse of your next most radiant self." - Judith

***

Any thoughts on the Podcast?  Future people you'd like me to interview?

I love to hear from you!

***

How to Make an Ass of Yourself in One Easy Step

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In addition to being the only person I've ever known to use the word "whence" in spoken conversation, my ninth grade english teacher also wins the superlative for Person In Life Most Likely to Tell Me What Happens when You Assume.

[In case you are one of the lucky ones who has never heard this play on words, the answer is:  "You make an 'ass' out of '-u' and '-me.']

I've never much liked that expression, mostly because it is typically said rather asstasticly.  Irony makes me cough.

Nevertheless, apparently this saying is something I should be keeping in mind from time to time always.  Like when I email someone and they don't respond so I assume they have a problem with me.  Or when, hypothetically, I call a producer at Harpo studios to ask whether I am correct in deducing that I have been cut from Oprah's Life Class and I don't hear back so I ASSUME that I my conclusions are correct.

HYPOTHETICALLY, I might make an ass of myself if I were to do THAT, for instance.

My friends:  you can believe people when they tell you that these interwebs are capable of spreading information far and wide.  Because somehow or other, my post titled "Things I Learned about Embarrassment by Being Cut From Oprah's Lifeclass" found its way all the way to Chicago, of all places.  And the good people at Harpo studios were kind enough to call me after they read that post to inform me that in the end, I HAD, in fact, been on Oprah's Lifeclass.  They also very kindly explained the source of my confusion.

I tell you what.  It's a good thing I recently analyzed my thoughts on embarrassment because I am finding myself experiencing new heights of this emotion.

[Sigh.]

[Le sigh again.]

[Lamaze.]

Ah, well!  I have resolved myself to grow from all uncomfortable situations, and this I shall do again!

I am writing today's post because I realize I made a mistake and I want to apologize for unintentionally misrepresenting the facts.  My heart sinks knowing that I may have inadvertently painted someone I admire (Oprah, and her team) in a negative light, when my intentions were only positive and growth-minded.  

Oh, LIFE!!  Thank you for your cockameemee ways of helping me to grow!

Now the question is:  what do I take from this?  How do I use this situation to make myself wiser in the future?

Do I use this as proof that it is dangerous for me to stick my neck out there, and that in the future I should play things safe so as to not risk more public embarrassment?

That's the tempting response, but it's also the cowardly one.  It's the voice of Resistance.

If I were to allow this embarrassing mistake to fuel my self-doubt, thereby smothering my optimism, my courage, or my eagerness to grow, then a piece of my soul would die.

I would not be letting myself shine.

A better response is to see this as proof that despite how f-ing hard I try otherwise, I am GOING to make mistakes.  AND THANK GOODNESS FOR IT, because this is the quickest way for me to grow.

If we handle them right, mistakes are the fast lane towards becoming our best selves.  

Lesson numero dos here is the awareness that I jump to negative conclusions WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.  There was no doubt in my mind that we had been cut from that Oprah episode; you can bet your booty that, otherwise, I never would have written that post.

If I'm not AWARE of when I'm making assumptions, how often am I basing my emotions on negative speculation?  How much good energy is going up in smoke due to PHANTOM problems??

My guess would be:  a LOT of it.  OFTEN.

I think what went wrong here was that I allowed my desire for growth to outpace my optimism.  I was a bit overzealous about making lemonade from lemons when in fact I did not have lemons at all.

Next time I think I am about to receive a shipment of lemons, I should consider that maybe the fruit truck is actually on its way to deliver APPLES!  And then, wouldn't I feel like a fool when I set up my lemonade stand and the truck delivers APPLES!

I disagree with my english teacher:  making assumptions isn't the problem.  Making NEGATIVE assumptions:  that's the problem.  Jack Canfield had it right when he told us to become inverse paranoids, assuming at every turn that the world is plotting to serve, enrich, and empower us.

A widespread inverse paranoid movement sure would relieve our world of some serious asstasticness.

So perhaps Oprah WILL eventually dub me "the AH-HA Maven" after all.

My wager?

Highly likely.

Holy Shift: Conversations with a Prostitute

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Paulo Coelho is the type of author who is referred to in professional literary terms as a "Gad-Dang Genius."  He's an artistic and uncommonly wise storyteller whose writing is so mentally delicious that I am sometimes tempted to nibble the pages of his books a little bit.

Yes.  I'd say that's a good introduction to Paulo Coehlo.

I have roughly 276.4 half-written posts swirling in the cauldron between my ears right now, but today I'm called to an unavoidable pile of behind-the-scenes business tasks, so, instead of waxing philosophical myself, I'm sharing a quick passage from Paulo Coehlo's "Eleven Minutes" which blew my hair back 90 degrees last night.

[Pssst.  We really must discuss this book in more detail at some point.  (Vlog, maybe?  Group teleconference?  You tell me.)]

"Eleven Minutes" is "an exploration of the potentially sacred nature of sex within the context of love."  It's a story about a prostitute and it's written by a devout Catholic, which makes it all the more intriguing.

(I don't claim to know much about Catholicism, but I was under the impression that classic "Catholic Guilt" required people to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable speaking about sex.)

In fact, my own discomforts on the subject have made me wonder whether I might possibly be Catholic.

But again:  the business tasks are a-callin' so I won't broach my own thoughts on sex, shame, guilt, power, love, and spirituality, today.  Instead, I'm just teasing you with those tantalizing topics and leaving you with an unrelated quote about suffering.

["Foxy!" says you.]

Context of this delicious morsel of wisdom:

Years after a Brazillian woman, Maria, becomes a prostitute in Geneva, she experiences pleasure during sex for the first time...while partaking in sado-masochism with a client.  Concerned for her, a friend tries to steer Maria away from S+M, but given the pleasure she experienced the previous night, she resists his advice.

[The hair-blowing power of this passage has less to do with what it says about about S+M (do what suits your fancies, friends) and more to do with the resounding truth it speaks about life.]

Here's the passage:  (I added the bold formatting.)

"You experienced pain yesterday and you discovered that it led to pleasure.  You experienced it today and found peace.  That's why I'm telling you:  don't get used to it, because it's very easy to become habituated; it's a very powerful drug.  It's in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams.  Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial.  Or cowardice.  However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, of flirting with it and making it part of our lives."

"I don't believe that.  No one wants to suffer."

"If you think you can live without suffering, that's a great step forward, but don't imagine that other people will understand you.  True, no one wants to suffer, and yet nearly everyone seeks out pain and sacrifice, and then they feel justified, pure, deserving of the respect of their children, husbands, neighbors, God.  Don't let's think about that now; all you need to know is that what makes the world go round is not the search for pleasure, but the renunciation of all that is important.  

"Does a soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy?  No, he goes in order to die for his country.  Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is?  No, she wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy.  Does the husband go to work thinking he will find personal fulfillment there?  No, he is giving the sweat and tears for the good of the family.  And so it goes on:  sons give up their dreams to please their parents; parents give up their lives in order to please their children; pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy:  love."  (Click to tweet.)

Holy shift in perspective.

Holy "AH-HA" moment.

This ties directly into my previous post, where I was talking about soft addictions, and wondering why it's so hard to break bad habits.

We trap ourselves in activities that we know are not good for ourselves so that we can use pain and sacrifice to JUSTIFY the love and respect we receive from family, friends, and God.

We do that because we've forgotten that we are INHERENTLY good and deserving.  We don't need to DO anything to deserve these things.

Baby, we were born this way.

So again it all comes back to self-love and lettin' ourselves shine.

Gad-dang genius, no?

***

Any thoughts on this post?  I love to hear from you!  :)

***

Fabulous Roman Candles. (How to Discover Your Inner Fire)

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I've recently become aware of a deep craving in my soul.  It's a fire that burns, burns, burns "like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders amongst the stars"--a craving so unquenchable that no vice could quench it.

Not chocolate, not wine, not work addiction, not late nights mindlessly surfing Facebook.

I'll dub this "the Jack Kerouac Condition" and classify it as being "desirous of everything [and nothing] at the same time."

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Here's the thing.  You, appreciated reader?  [Yes--I'm talkin' to YOU!]  YOU are a person for Jack Kerouac too.  YOUR soul is a ball of unquenchable light that yearns to illuminate YOUR path.

If you can't see that, it's only because you're not allowing yourself to see it.

Allow me to explain...

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I didn't know I had the Jack Kerouac Condition until I very rigidly decided to renovate my life a few months ago.  I've never been keen on the concept of New Years' Resolutions, but it seemed to me that 1/1/13 was as good a day as any to become the best self I'm meant to be.

So I committed to consistently rocking the habits that enable my best self to thrive.  Not just SOME of the habits.  ALL of 'em.  "Go big or go home":  that's my over-the-top motto.

So I've been going to bed earlier, waking up before the kids, starting every day with freshly juiced vegetables, not using my computer after dinner, limiting my sugar intake, getting rid of clutter, reading more books, exercising every day…yadda yadda yadda.  It's been a while since I've used television or alcohol to mindlessly pass my time, but if I still did, I'd'a nixed those suckers, too.

Pretty soon, I started to feel INSATIABLE.  I knew I was craving SOMETHING and I knew it wasn't any of my vices I craved.  I also DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SATISFY MY CRAVING.

It was driving me crazy.

Testing a Solution

I posed this conundrum to my therapy [aka "accountability"] group recently.  I told 'em that I can't get no satisfaction.

A keen group member observed, "I don't wanna state the obvious, but you just said you've eliminated all your vices.  Maybe you're being too rigid.  Cut yourself a few breaks.  Live a little."

Rigidity IS one of my patterns, so I jumped on this advice.  Plus, I liked this suggestion much better than whatever my therapist ["coach," if you prefer] was talking about when she told me I'm forgetting my "why's."  Hogwash, that sounds like!

[For the record, I actually WAS forgetting my "why's," but that's neither here nor there now, is it?]

So I headed to the bar.  The candy bar, that is.

But not even a Snickers satisfied me.  That's when I knew I had it bad.

So I jumped to the big leagues and ate a lemon-filled, chocolate-glazed donut so fast that I literally searched the floor to see if I had dropped part of it.

That donut, my friends?  That donut came close to muffling the hunger of my soul.  It came awfully, deliciously, frighteningly close.

The Ah-Ha Moment

That's when I realized there are two ways that we can address our innermost cravings:

1)  Figure out what our soul desires and DO it - BE it - THRIVE from it - SHINE with it, or

2)  Muffle it with food or late-night Facebooking or wine or an overwhelming schedule and then wonder why we feel so damn unfulfilled all the time.

When I took away all of the strategies I normally use to mindlessly pass the time, it suddenly became obvious that I was never craving any of those things that I thought I had craved in the first place.

All of the times that I THOUGHT I wanted chocolate, it was actually something bigger that I wanted.  The chocolate just made the yearning more bearable.  It dulled the flame.

My point today is not to help you discover WHAT you burn for.  It's to awaken you to the awareness THAT you burn.

Because you DO burn, my friend.  Like a fabulous roman candle exploding like spiders amongst the stars.

***

Are you aware of the fire that burns in YOUR soul?

If not, try this:

1)  Brainstorm which activities you resort to when you're feeling overwhelmed.  (Popular answers = tv, internet, shopping, wine, frantic attack of to-do list, etc.)

2)  Dedicate one full weekend to doing none of those things.

3)  When you feel tempted to do one of those things, just ask yourself, "is that what I'm really craving right now?  Will [the vice you crave] FULFILL this yearning, or just muffle it?"

4)  Notice what comes up.

5)  Share your thoughts with me in the comments.  Writing down your observations will help you remember them next time you have a craving.

***

Synchronicity

The universe continues to delight and astound me with the incredible opportunities it puts in my path when I follow my truth.

Around the same time that I realized I've been masking my inner fire, a lovely reader told me that I have a lot in common with her boss, Dr Judith Wright, and that, if I'd like, she'd be happy to make an introduction (THANK YOU, MEGAN!!).

I quickly learned that, among Judith's MANY successes, she is widely renowned for coining the term "soft addiction," which refers to "those seemingly harmless habits like over-shopping, overeating, watching too much TV, endlessly surfing the internet, procrastinating - that actually keep us from the life we want."

Okay, so…THAT sounds familiar.

It gets better.  Judith (along with her husband, Bob) just released her third book, "Transformed!" which outlines the six scientific stages of personal transformation, teaching people how to become their "next most radiant self."  She devotes an entire CHAPTER to yearning.

What we have found here, folks, is a verified EXPERT in "Lettin' It Shine."  She is the perfect person to kick off the "Let It Shine" podcast series that I've been intending to start, and I'm so excited to speak with her tomorrow.

Our conversation will be recorded and downloadable in my next post, so keep an eye out for my "Let It Shine" podcast with Dr Judith Wright about the science of spectacular living!

***

Do you have any questions about your own journey with learning to allow yourself to shine that you'd like me to ask Judith?  

Let me know in the comments and I'll try to fit it into the podcast!

A Sign That You Can.

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Thank you for bearing with me during the recent radio silence, kind reader.  I wrote today's post a week ago, but when I wrote it, the idea of publishing it made me want to vomit.  So, first I tended to my sad heart.

I'll explain...

***

My goal for last week's vacation had me baffled.  Getting out of my head and into my heart SOUNDED like a simple intention when I had set it.

It's so not.

On the flight to Florida, my heart told me that it has even better insights than my head.  This excited my head, because my head likes insights, but it also confused my head, which didn't know how to get to my heart.  My head wanted instructions.

So my heart gave me a hint.  While listening to bubbles dance past my ears on a swim in the ocean on day four, my heart reminded me that the French word for "heart" is "coeur."

You cannot access your heart without COURage.

So I courageously journeyed south (of my ears) and learned that whenever my heart feels vulnerable, I instinctively retreat to my head.  That's my safe zone.  I can think my way around things from up there, garner praise, avoid trouble.

But the universe (God / Science / Allah / Jehovah / Spirit / whomevs) didn't put giant, impassioned hearts in us just so that we could ignore them.

S/he gave us these hearts so that we could ride them like wild horses towards the sunset of our dreams.

It is blasphemous to ignore our hearts' whispers.

I learned last week that my heart is even bigger than I knew.  The times when I thought I was in my heart, I was really only rubbing off the dried-up outer skin of the onion.

That's good…that I have a big heart.  I guess.

It's also SCARY because right now my heart is telling me that it is sad.  And my head doesn't want to know the depth of the sadness.  My head just wants to retreat.  It is scared.  So scared, in fact, that for a moment, I saw white.  Not black like when people faint in the movies or red like Sublime says, but white, like pain.

I do not know whether my heart has always been this sad (maybe that's why I've trained myself to run from it) or whether today's sadness is conditional.

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

I do know that this slide down the murky slope into darkness is too familiar.  I'm remembering the constant desire to sleep.  To escape.  To not wake up until I can breathe without reminding myself to inhale.

There is a surprising comfort in THIS place, too, friends.

The comfort of sadness is an insidious one.  A lure.  One we'd prefer not to acknowledge, because when we do, we have to face the fact that we enjoy the power of our sadness.  There are excuses here.  A relief of responsibilities, a "specialness" about us.   There's pity and there's attention from loved ones whose love we may not be able to access when they are not worried about us.

It's also easy to manipulate people when we're sad.  I've done it plenty, and so have you, regardless of whether you acknowledge it.

Our heads may judge this manipulation as "bad," but everything is inherently neutral, and this behavior is just another survival mechanism…a sign of intelligence, really.  (As babies, we learn that people are gentler with us when we're sad.)

By NO means are anxiety, depression, or other mental road bumps ALL about manipulation; that's the LAST thing I'd want to imply.

It IS, however, immeasurably empowering to consider how we use our struggles as crutches, because until we realize that we are leaning on something, we will not get rid of it.

Did you read me?  Until we OWN how our struggles have HELPED us, we are powerless to move past them.

Thanks to many years of happiness work, I have the tools--the scaffolding, if you will--to endure today's exploration of my heart without falling into the depths of despair I've felt previously.

You need scaffolding when you feel yourself slipping, my friend.

Previously, when the storm clouds of sadness would roll in, my head would judge me.  I'd twist gratitude into a whip and berate myself for the sake of all of the people in this world who have more difficult lives than I have.  My head would tell me I had no right to be sad, and that a stronger person would just suck it up.

Heads can be judgy like that.  They're just trying to protect us, our heads are.  They do it because they're scared.  Scared to recognize that sometimes it's the stronger individual who does not "grin and bear it" but who confronts her sadness, figures out why it's there, and slays that dragon instead of swallowing it.

Today, unlike in years past, I am courageously, PUBLICLY sharing my heart-heaviness because I refuse to contribute any longer to the shaming of mental health challenges by hiding my own.  I refuse to play into the fallacy that accessing one's emotions is a sign of weakness when really it is a sign of great character strength, ridiculed only by intimidated, low-blowing cowards.

Today I show you my sadness because owning ALL the parts of ourselves--ESPECIALLY the parts we used to think were shameful--THIS is what it means to "Let Ourselves Shine."

Do not worry about me, friend:  I have scaffolding.  I'll tend to my heart the way it deserves.  I will see my therapist and talk to her about the things I'm afraid to discuss.  I will exercise like a madwoman, marinate in my babies' laughter, eat healthy, speak kindly to myself, lean on my husband, meditate, ask for help.

And I will celebrate the strength those things require of me.

So, yes:  I am sad.  I am crying a lot.  I even stuck my face in a pillow and yelled to see if that would help.  [It did, a little.]

But I'm far stronger than today's lure of sadness.

I have the tenacity to get out of bed even when I just want to sleep.

I know I am loved even when my brain tells me otherwise.

I know that tomorrow…if I take care of myself...tomorrow I might feel better.

And I know I am succeeding at my vacation goal of learning to listen to my heart because even though this post got a little heady, it was not my head who told me these truths.

It was my heart.

***

Have you ever felt ashamed of struggles with happiness?

Have you refused to see a therapist because you saw it as a sign of weakness?

Have you experienced self-loathing because you think a stronger person wouldn't even consider "relying" on anxiety medication to get through the day?

I have, too.  And the more time I spend with people who are dedicated to thriving, the more obvious it becomes to me that the shame surrounding mental health challenges affects EVERYONE.

We are all responsible for the energy we bring to this world.  If we want our children to be self-loving, we are morally obligated to model it.

EVERYBODY experiences sadness, my friend.  Not everybody commits themselves to growing from it.

Seeing a therapist, taking medication, militantly rocking your fundamentals, doing whatever it is you need to do to be YOUR healthiest, happiest self in this world:  these are not signs that you "cannot handle" life, Love.

These are signs that you CAN.

***

How does today's post affect you?

If you think this post could encourage even one person you know, please, please share it.

VIDEO BLOG: Is Service Inherently Selfish? (Life Lessons from Lady Gaga)

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It was a regular, everyday evening back in 1991 when my Dad ate a bite of steak off of my then-eight-year-old sister's plate.

"You're too picky," he told her.  "That's good steak you're pushing to the side of your plate."

"No way, Dad," she said.  "That piece was nothing but fat.  I was chewin' it and chewin' it…"

We'll be telling that one for a while.

Welp, I'VE been chewing on something lately.  'Xcept this here is food for THOUGHT, my friends.  The lean and hearty type.

I 'been chewin' it and chewin' it.

Remember when I said that the Oprah incident (specifically whether I had ACTUALLY wanted to be on the show to help other people) wasn't sitting well with me?

[Psst.  This will be the last time I bring up the Oprah thing.  Promise.  Maybe.]

The reason it wasn't sitting well was because I recognized an element of selfishness in it.  I, too, could stand to benefit from being on Oprah.  My blog could explode in popularity and I'd gain an inflated sense of self-worth because I'd imagine I was helping hoards upon hoards of people.

So then was I really doing it to help OTHER people?  Or to help ME?

And is the craving for significance a bad thing?

What IS the relationship of service and selfishness?  With any act of service, the "doer" stands to gain a sense of significance (among other things), yes?

Sooooooo…does that mean that all acts of service are selfish?

Lady Gaga threw me an assist for my recent epiphany on this topic.

Check out the video for the low-down; hopefully it'll give you something to chew on.

[In a hurry?  Then start watching at the 7:05 mark.  (Maybe I should do away with my "must film in one take" rule.  "T-t-t-TODAY, JUNIOR!!")]

***

Do you know anybody who might enjoy this video?  They (and I) thank you for passing it along!

VIDEO BLOG: What the Heck Is an Ego and What Do I Do with It?

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Writing about our Oprah experience last week circled me back to some decade-old questions I've been pondering regarding whether I'm egotistical and if so, what I should do about it.

Here's what I do know:  I really like to be right.  By this I mean, when I take a stance on something, I'm pretty much willing to shed blood in defense of how right I am at any given moment.

What I don't know is:  does this mean I'm an egomaniac?

These ego questions tie into the Oprah thing because I keep asking myself:  WHY did I want to go on Oprah?  Was it REALLY to help people, as I said it was?  [Yes.]  Or was I seeking fame as a means of validation [yes, too], and if so, is it even POSSIBLE that I could STILL be sucking that badly at loving myself?  [No.]

In the public restroom at our local Newport Creamery last night, I had a major epiphany regarding how ego relates to service.  But I can't share my thoughts yet on why egos will save the world because first we need to make sure we're on the same page about what the heck an ego is.

Ergo, today's video:

In this V-Log, I explain:

• How my perception of the "ego" has evolved through years of therapy and self-development
• Why the popular idea that we need to "leggo" our egos is a crock of ships
• One key trick for becoming an "ego whisperer" by taming your wild ego so that it works FOR you; not AGAINST you.

***

If you found today's video informative, please forward it to at least one person who might need to be reminded that having an ego is a good thing.

***

On a scale of 1-10, how healthy would you rate your ego (with 10 being "very healthy" and 1 being "Kanye West")?

Do you have any thoughts about ego that you'd like to share with other readers?

***

Things I Learned about Embarrassment by Getting Cut from Oprah's Lifeclass

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***

Edited to Add:  Please note that this post is not entirely accurate.  In the end, we actually WERE on Oprah's Lifeclass:  you can read more about that in the post titled "How to Make an Ass of Yourself in One Easy Step."  

I apologize for my inaccuracy.  

I've elected to keep this post on my blog anyway because I've received many emails from lovely readers telling me this is inspiring them.  

In light of the ADDITIONAL embarrassment I felt when I found out that we ultimately WERE on the show, I stand by everything I wrote about that emotion in this post, and I hope this continues to inspire.

***

Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?  Last Thursday, just hours before Oprah's groundbreaking interview with Lance Armstrong aired, Harpo producers cut an interview featuring my husband and me from Oprah's Lifeclass show with Dr Gary Chapman.

As a result, Ms Winfrey "missed her one big chance to make it big."

That's my dad's opinion, anyway.  His text telling me so helped me pull my head out from under the covers of my Chicago hotel room.

Because it's important to be humble when you are about to be discovered by Oprah, I didn't tell many people that we had been interviewed for a testimonial segment of Oprah's Lifeclass episode with Dr Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages.

Keeping mum was also a tactical face-saving technique, in the unlikely event that my sexy-assed "AH-HA"-inducing intellectual wit didn't shine through on camera.  If I came across as a bumbling idiot, I could just yawn and claim the interview meant nothing to me.

But I think I have Truth-Telling Tourette's Syndrome (a term which, incidentally, is completely fabricated) because I'm about to tell you exactly how excited I was for this opportunity, even though said excitement has the potential to now be very embarrassing, considering how things actually transpired.

Upon receiving the initial phone call from Harpo about this opportunity, my first thought was, logically, "O to the M to the F to the G.  This manifestation sh*t really DOES work."

You see, I had recently set the intention that I want to use my personal challenges (and triumphs) to help others by 1) destigmatizing mental health counseling and 2) sharing the tools that have helped me surmount anxiety and depression.  Then HARPO called to ask if I wanted to go on OPRAH to discuss my relationship CHALLENGES and how I've OVERCOME them.

Kay.  Clearly I have extra-special manifestation powers because most people have to wait a long time for opportunities such as this.

Since the universe was making it so clear that it wanted me to share my message on this global stage, my predictable conclusion was that, while laughing with our shoes off post-filming, Oprah would dub me "The AH-HA Maven," after which I would explode in popularity, exponentially increasing my contribution to humanity.  Our children would grow up in a healthier world and my cup of Importance would overflow indefinitely.

This is a lot for one person to process so quickly.  How would I maintain my private life amongst all the fame?

Shockingly, though, my prediction wasn't precisely accurate.  After Husband and I rearranged our schedules and invested our pennies to fly to Chicago for the taping, we waited six hours at Harpo Studios to NOT be told that we had been cut from the show; we devised that conclusion based on our own observations.

Aint no business like show business, babies.

As I type this in retrospect, there's evidence to suggest that maybe there were some delusions of grandeur at play here.  Maybe I misinterpreted the universe's (and…ummm…Harpo's) reasons for inviting us to be involved in the show.

But am I embarrassed that my hopes were so high?

I'm glad you asked.  You know why this is an important question?  Because most people blame practicality as the reason they don't pursue their dreams, when really it's the fear of potential embarrassment that holds them back.  

So if I can unbuckle embarrassment and effectively render it incapable of affecting you for the rest of your days, maybe you will be more likely to brazenly pursue your own goals, yes?

Ask and ye shall receive, Love-Bugs.

Last night, Brian Johnson (I can't say enough good things about his en*theos Academy for Optimal Living) reminded me of Heidi Grant Halvorson's wisdom that there's an important distinction between a "Be Good" mindset, where you are trying to PROVE yourself, and a "Get Better" mindset, where you are trying to IMPROVE yourself.

That insight provided the spotlight for my AH-HA moment regarding how to dismember embarrassment:

Before I share this new understanding with you, can we first agree on a definition for embarrassment?  We feel embarrassed when we perceive that others are judging us negatively, correct?

Agreed.

For instance.  If I were embarrassed to share that I thought I was about to become Oprah's BFF, my discomfort would stem from the fear that others might conclude that I'm conceited or deluded or both, right?  Or, worse:  they could use my NOT making the cut as evidence that I am incapable of achieving my unconventional dreams, couldn't they?

But is my intention to PROVE myself, or is it to IMPROVE myself?

My goal is to IMPROVE myself, obviously!  (Except for those times when I blog to PROVE that I'm IMPROVING, but shut your pretty traps about that, Young Whippersnappers!)

Do you see the gloriousness of the PROVE vs IMPROVE mindsets now, friends?  The IMPROVE mindset makes it IMPOSSIBLE to experience embarrassment while pursuing one's dreams because a genuine desire to improve oneself--combined with morals and will-power--inoculates you from judgement.  

Who judges an eager student for making a mistake?

No one with any courage of their own, that's who.

[Yoo hoo!  It's also worth mentioning that we only fear judgment when we judge ourselves.  But when we align with our highest selves--our truths--even the most self-critical among us (my hand is raised) know in our hearts that we have nothing to prove.]

Arguably, if judgement is the cause of embarrassment, and nobody with a warm pulse would judge someone who is earnestly trying to improve, then the only justifiable cause for embarrassment regarding one's dreams is the act of NOT pursuing them. 

I'll be sure to mention this the next time I'm on Oprah.

***

Despite (or maybe because of) how things turned out, I'm very grateful for this experience.  I learned so much, and it was special to experience Oprah from a distance of 15 feet:  she radiates love and approachability.  I think she'll do just fine without having us on the Gary Chapman episode.

***

If there were no potential for embarrassment, would you find a way to pursue your dreams?

I love to hear from you!

***

I Want to Knock You Over (Practices in Avoiding Vulnerability)

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My boy and I?  Here's how we hug:

As soon as I sit on the floor, a glimmer hits his eye, eager anticipation lifting his eyebrows.  He collides into me and we tumble backwards, his heart landing on mine like a defibrillator charging my soul.  His delighted shrieks land warm on my neck and I laugh from a combination of feigned surprise and actual, verified soul bliss.

It's delicious.

On the rare occasion that I do NOT tumble to the floor when he hugs me [WHY, Self?], he steps back, looks into my eyes determinedly and says, "I want to knock you over."

Ahhhhhh yes, my little apple who has not fallen far from its tree.  I can SO relate.

Lately, I've been hesitant to make time for writing.  I've pointed an accusatory finger at my busy schedule, but let's face it:  blaming "busyness" always smells like avoidance and self-congratulations, does it not?

Whenever I hear someone say they can't do something that is good for them because they're "too busy," I wonder if they realize that they are somehow avoiding vulnerability.

Silly, silly humans.

But--oh, wait:  there I go calling the kettle black again.  Guess I should swan-dive into self analysis to figure out the real reason I haven't been writing.

It probably starts here:  knowing that your time is precious and that I want you to find time for my little blog, I asked myself, "Self.  What characterizes the things that I make time to read?  I read things that are inspirational.  Or funny.  Or authentic.  Or educational."

"I know the solution!" said I.  "I shall make every post informative and funny and authentic and inspirational!  And each post shall include a soulful professional-quality photo taken by moi!  That is all!"

There are three major troubles with that line of reasoning:

1)  It is insane

2)  Sometimes it is not possible to be funny and authentic at the same time, and

3)  The very suggestion that I would need to be anything more than authentic to "deserve" readership flies directly in the face of my "Let It Shine" mantra and message.

When we allow ourselves to shine, we find security in knowing that our ESSENCE is divine.  We are beautiful--not "in spite" of our "humanness"--but BECAUSE of it.  Our "imperfections," our mistakes, the parts of us that we feel inclined to hide from the world--those things CONTRIBUTE to our beauty.  

As I sit down this morning, pondering the real reason I haven't been writing so that I can find the lesson in it, the thing that keeps popping into my head is that my son wants to knock me over.

What he doesn't realize is that he knocks me over whether or not he tries to do so.

He knocks me over with love and pride and joy and tenderness when he colors quietly by himself in the corner.  He knocks me over with love and pride and joy and tenderness  when he dances like an elephant in music class.  He knocks me over with love and pride and joy and tenderness when he gets upset because his sister ruined the zoo he was building with blocks.

When he physically knocks me over, it's because I've allowed it.  It's ME who's different when we don't tumble backwards:  not him.

All he has to do to knock me over is be himself.  

And it's not his responsibility to knock me over anyway.

AH HA!  So there's the lesson.  I set out to be authentic here and immediately shielded my vulnerability by requiring that I also be funny and informative so as to merit readership, which sets the bar high and makes me reticent to write.  As if I'm afraid that my authentic self is not enough.

That insight, this morning?  It knocks me over.

***

Two updates for you, friends!

1)  I have a new writing commitment.  My only requirement for my posts is that they be authentic (which hopefully is intrinsically inspirational.)  I hope that funniness and informativeness slip in here frequently, as they are welcome guests at any party I throw, but the only way I can encourage people to allow themselves to shine is by modeling it, so I'll throw parties here even when Funny and Informative don't RSVP.

2)  I am indubitably grateful to have recently been featured in the en*theos daily Optimizer.  Check it out if you're feelin' it!  :)

***

Please say hello in the comments!  How are you doing?

Embracing my Optimalist: First Video Blog Comin' Atchya

So...this happened.

My first video blog.  It is an intentional practice in vulnerability today that I publish this even though there are exactly 972 things I'd do differently if I filmed it again.  Making it more concise would be thing numero uno.

Let's take a second to wax philosophical about perfectionists vs optimalists, kay?  (It's a lesson I'm deliberately trying to absorb.)

The PERFECTIONIST in me really wants me to NOT publish a video blog until I get it JUST RIGHT.   That mentality holds me back.  If I stick with those standards, I'll never publish anything at all.  Like, EVAH evah.  

Tal Ben-Shahar encourages us to strive towards being OPTIMALISTS.  Optimalists, like perfectionists, strive towards greatness.  However, the key difference between the two is that Optimalists work within the constraints of reality.

The REALITY here is that if I had taken the time to make this more succinct, more value-packed, more fun and more funny, I would have had to sacrifice something else I've committed to doing this week.

And I want to honor all of my commitments.

So I'm working within the constraints of reality, publishing it, and doing three cheers for Opportunities for Growth!!  :)

[PS: When I say, in the video "my forgiveness," I of course mean "my apologies."]

Back to the mind/body/soul cleanse! :)

Bonus Post: Five Tips for the New Year's Cleanse

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I usually stick to one post per week, but today I wanted to send you a few quick follow-up ideas to Tuesday's post, in case you're considering a New Year's Cleanse for yourself.

Let's get to it!

1.  80/20 Rule:  Setting up for the Win

It's pretty much a universal law that 20% of our "stuff" gets 80% of our use and 20% of our efforts yields 80% of our rewards.  So as a general rule of thumb, if you're not getting rid of a LOT of physical AND spiritual stuff during this cleanse, then you're hanging on to things you don't need.

Similarly, when you approach the cleanse itself, 20% of your time will probably yield you 80% of your results.

So just do 20% of the work, homie!

2.  Be a Hunter, Not a Gatherer.

When you sort through your crap, hunt to INCLUDE, not to EXCLUDE.  For example:  Dump out your tee-shirt drawer.  Ask self, "how many tee-shirts do I need?"

If you do your laundry once per week and you don't wear tee-shirts every day, seven teeshirts should be more than enough, right?

So hunt through and pick out your favorite seven.

This is directly opposed to the GATHERER mentality, wherein you look at every single item you have and wonder whether you may someday need that shirt during an apocalypse.  (It takes forever to sort this way and yields minimal Fun Shui energy cleanliness.)

Tip:  If you don't get a solid hit of "YES I NEED THIS" right away, don't include it.  When it doubt, donate it out.  

3.  Prep Yawself before you Wreck Yawself.

Again, set the stage for success.  Pick the activities you're gonna commit to and plot it out on the calendar.  If it's not calendared, it's just an idea.

Plan ahead.  You may need to adjust (up or down) your social or professional commitments during your cleanse, arrange babysitters during home decluttering days (if you have kids), preplan groceries for juice cleanse, etc, etc.

Or maybe one straight week isn't ideal for your schedule.  NBD.  Do one day.  Or one hour.  Or one hour per day.  Or one day per week.  Whatevs.  Make it yours.

4.  Parkinson's Law

Tasks take as much time as you allot for them.  You could use a whole day to clean your closet, or you could take 20 minutes.

You can get more of these items done than you think.  Be ambitious.  Make it happen.

5.  Make it yours.

Pick which of the items from Tuesday's post speak to you and do them.  If it doesn't speak to you, don't do it.

And if you're not gonna do certain items, don't "should" on yourself.

Do, however, listen to your intuition, not to your head.  Your head will convince you that you don't need to do things that your intuition knows you need to do.

Everybody is in different places in their personal evolutions.  For some people, doing everything on this list in one week would induce delirium tremors.  Other people are already doing all of these things regularly.  Figure out where you are vs where you want to be, and pick exercises that most definitely STRETCH you and also will not SNAP you.

***

'Nuff for now!  Can't wait to hear if anybody is doing a cleanse!

Please let me know if you have any suggestions or questions!  :)

Love and light to ya!!

***

A New Year's Cleanse: Fun Shui for the WIN!

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Happy New Year, Lads and Lasses!  Welcome to a clean calendar of unlimited possibility!

Did you think I was going to write about New Year's Resolutions today?  Well, the idea of "Resolutionizing" has never really tickled my fancy.

Why am I not ticklish in my resolutions, you ask?  Well, because I like to win, of course!  I'm much too sore of a loser to put myself in a situation that is inevitably bound to not work.

If I commit to major lifestyle changes simply because the last digit of the date has changed (without explicitly naming all the reasons WHY I'm making the changes, WHAT I am sacrificing, and HOW I'm going to approach the challenges that will inevitably arise), then my "Resolution" is bound to fall flat on its face before January becomes February.

HO-HO-HO--I've got much too much pride for that!  The traditional concept of "New Year's Resolutions" sounds to me like a reliable way to feel badly about myself from February through December.

Thanks but no thanks, Resolutions Committee!  :)

[Important side note:  I DO, howevah, encourage regular life review and systematic goal setting.  LMK if you want me to write about how I approach that.]

So where does this leave me on this fine New Year's Mornin'?  While I don't believe a new calendar is motivation enough to keep us committed to our commitments, I DO feel that a new year is as perfect a time as any to clean our slates and make sure that our bodies, minds, spirits and spaces are optimized to receive and nourish our ideal lives.

This year, for the first time ever, I'm doing a major one-week deep-cleaning of the Mind, Body, and Soul.  Join me, won't ya?  :)

Here's the dilly-o:

"Fun" Shui for the Win

I know almost nothing about the art of Fung Shui except the fact that I believe in it.   Clear the clutter so that good things (thoughts, energy, abundance, activity, etc) can flow more easily?

Yup.  I'm buying that.

As I understand it, the REAL art of Fung Shui is fairly specific, so I've adapted a practice that I call "Fun" Shui.

Here's how "Fun" Shui'ing works:  1) get rid of crap that doesn't serve you,  2) Feel better.

Fun Shui is most easily understood in its application towards overflowing closets and junk drawers, but as you implement it, you'll notice it's also perfect for virtual, psychological and spiritual crap as well.

Below are some suggestions for Fun Shui'ing different areas of your life.

PSA:  Before you get to feeling badly about yourself via social comparisons (HEY--that's MY m.o.!!), please know that many of these suggestions are not even making it into my own Supah Cleanse.

And whenever I write "you," I pretty much mean, "I."

A) Fun Shui'ing your SPACE:

Declutter closets, drawers, cabinets, desk, office, in-box, medicine bin, car, diaper bag, purse, coat pockets, gym bag, attic, garage, storage space, fridge, freezer and/or other receptacles of clutter.

Paint walls a lighter, more uplifting color.

Hang photos or quotes that make you smile or inspire you.

Get your email in-box to zero.

Move last year's photos off your computer (keep all digital files in at least 2 locations!)

Get rid of magazines, newsletters, etc, that you've intended to read but haven't.  New ones will come.

Shred old documents in filing cabinets.

Fly through the pile of to-do's that is forever waiting for you.  If it's unimportant and not urgent, trash it.

B) Fun Shui'ing your MIND:

Exercise.  (Consistency is more important than intensity.)

Set an appointment with a life coach / mentor / therapist / insert preferred term here.

Begin a daily meditation practice (or increase the amount of time you meditate per day.)

Take a nap.

Take a bath.

Take a breath.

And another.

Do a brain dump:  1)  write everything that is in your head onto a piece of paper.  Let it flow.  Really dump it out.  2)  Cross out the things that are not serving you.  (Commit to not letting these thoughts complete themselves in your brain any more.)  3) For everything else, decide the one small next step you can take to address that issue or goal, and CALENDAR IT. 4) Sigh relief.  This is an awesome exercise.

Exercise.

Practice gratitude.  (Write down 5 things you're grateful for every day.  Or every week.  Frequency doesn't matter as much as writing 'em does.)

Remove or hide from your news feed anyone on social media who posts negative updates or otherwise elicits negative feelings in you.

Get out in nature.

Mark "No Plans Land" on your calendar.  Reserve time to just BE.  That means no plans, no phone, no computer.  Quality time for just you and your heart and (maybe) your loved ones.

Schedule a phone conversation with someone you love.

Do nice things for people.

Did I mention exercise?

C)  Fun Shui'ing your BODY:

Has exercise landed on this list yet?

Drink warm water with lemon.

Consider a juice cleanse.  (I'm gonna do Kris Carr's ONE DAY Crazy Sexy Juice Cleanse.)

Juice cleanse too intense?  Then just clear the crap outta your pantry.

Eliminate alcohol, dairy, refined foods, caffeine, and/or sugar from you diet.  Not willing to make a permanent commitment?  Just do it for a week.

Yoga.

Massage.

Exfoliation.

Hair cut?

Enema?  Seriously

D)  Fun Shui'ing your SOUL:

See all of the above, especially meditation, exercise, gratitude, nature, nutrition, generosity, sleep, and connection.

Consider a social media and television detox.  Fret not:  it doesn't have to be permanent.

Choose favorite mantras and use them.

Meditate on what nurtures YOUR spirit.  Gardening?  Cooking?  Physical intimacy?  Prayer? Yoga?  Juggling?  Whatever it is, CALENDAR IT.   Regularly.

Laugh.

Egads!  I have tons more thoughts, but this post got offensively long.  I'll be back tomorrow (via auto-post, since I'll be CLEANSING) with a bonus post containing more suggestions for planning your cleanse.

In the meantime, WHO'S WITH ME??  :)  Let's TRASH the idea of take-em-or-leave-em New Years Resolutions and embrace lifestyle COMMITMENTS instead.  Our happiness, our integrity, our relationships and our ideal lives depend on it.

After our New Year's Fun Shui Cleanse,  we will be ready (mind, body and spirit) to shed our old snake skins and become the vibrant butterflies we were meant to become…in 2013, and beyond.

Happiest of New Years, Friends!!

Love and light, Bethany

***

Have any cleansing ideas to add?

Have any questions regarding goal setting, planning, etc?

How are you approaching the new year?

I love to hear from you!  :)

***

My Wishes For You

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In the interest of Keeping It Simple, Santa, I'mma be mighty quick (yet purposeful) this morning...

Regardless of which holiday traditions you do or do not celebrate, here are my wishes for you today:

May your hugs be genuine.  May your hugs pause time.

May your kindness towards others be deeply rooted in kindness towards yourself.

May you smile from your belly.

May your excitement for the many great new things that you get to HAVE today be superseded by your excitement for all of the great new things you get to BE today.

May your breaths be deep.

May you harness the courage to take the next tiny step towards whatever your intuition is calling you to do.

May you then take the next step and then the next.

May you be happy.  May you be well.  May you let yourself shine.

See you in 2013!

Merry, Happy, Felice, Joyeux, Feliz, Tuesday.

Love and light,

Bethany

 ***

[Pssst!  Were you hoping for a little more to chew on today?

I recently had the pleasure of doing an interview with Melody Joy Deetz for her "Truth-Telling Series."

Melody asks some awesome questions which will be perfect conversation-starters around your dinner tables today.  

Check out our interview and please be sure to say hi to Melody while you're there!]

***

The Reason for Sandy Hook Will Be Determined By Us

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I am embarrassed by my naiveté in claiming, last Tuesday, that when bad things happen to good people, it leaves you "mangled, by the side of the road, staring up into the heavens and defeatedly asking, 'why?'"

"Mangled" and "defeated" do nothing to convey the soul-splitting sorrow, rage and helplessness that have swept this country since Friday, and I won't pretend to know the magnitude of desolation the families of the Newtown victims are suffering.

Like most of the world, I have felt inclined to tell you, via social media, how horrified I am by these events, but a newsfeed of fear and hostility only proliferates fear and hostility and I refuse to reap, nurture or spread those emotions.

My tears help no one unless I follow them with action.

As a parent, I instinctively reacted to Friday's news by wanting to shield my own children from the world.  However, if I allow fear to guide my life, then the killer will have killed ME and MY family, too.  

I won't stand for that.

Desperate for answers, I wanted to understand how, IN GOD'S NAME, the various churches could [profanity] explain why God would [profanity] ALLOW THIS, but any explanation of this unconscionable act would be insultingly insufficient.  It would not alleviate our devastation, and it will never bring those babies safely home from school.

My very much ALIVE family needs love from me (not despair.)  Because the media was only feeding my outrage, I have been unplugged since Friday so that I could honor those 26 innocent souls the only way I knew how:  by being lovingly present with my family, and by meditating on my own responsibility regarding world affairs.

Today I have crystal-clear acuity on what WE (that's ME and YOU and YOUR FRIENDS and MINE and EVERYONE ELSE TOO, Reader) needs to do about Sandy Hook.

We need to start taking responsibility for the energy we are bringing into this world.

Yes, gun laws need to change.  Yes, the psychological health field needs to be more accessible and less taboo.  I encourage you to take action in those areas and to share opportunities for me to do the same.

But if I or you are content to post a Facebook message with our condolences or sign a petition against the right to bear arms or send a check to a Newtown charity AND THEN GO ON LIVING OUR LIVES AS IF WE HAVE DONE ALL THAT WE COULD DO, then we might as well spit on those 20 tiny graves because we have done respectively NOTHING to make sure that they did not die in vain.

Last Tuesday I wrote, "They say that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that sometimes it's up to US to find that reason.  Maybe that decision - that refusal to allow anybody we love to suffer in vain - maybe THAT is where God hides when bad things happen to good people."

Please do not mistake me for suggesting that the "reason" for something this horrific may ever JUSTIFY it.  I DO, however, mean to explicitly state that YOU PERSONALLY are empowered to ensure that the cold-blooded deaths of those innocent babies brings positive change to this world.

Those babies and teachers died because our world is sick.  We have allowed hatred and irresponsibility and blame and selfishness to procreate like mice.  Most of us still have consciences, but come game-time, we too often cave into excuses instead of honoring our commitments, choosing understanding over defensiveness, and nurturing our bodies and souls so that we CAN show up energetically to help our world.

We think that those little things we do every day are insignificant.  But the little things are the big things.

It appears as though it was not obvious to anyone how sick the killer was before he committed this heinous crime.  Maybe this happened to draw our attention to how sick the WORLD is.

All social change starts within.  You know the ripple effect of both positive and negative actions, and you know that your actions are a reflection of the state of your interior.   So you (and I and ALL of us) must ask ourselves:

• How am I showing up in this world?
• Am I tilling the seeds of positivity, or am I nurturing and encouraging negativity?
  • ...in my thoughts?
  • ...in my newsfeed?
  • ...in my idle conversations?
  • ...in my encouragement of others?
  • What do I KNOW I need to be doing in order to put me in a more empowered place so that love guides my actions?
    • Hint:  here are some good starting points:
      • Exercising daily
      • Meditating daily
      • Sleeping well
      • Eating nutrient-dense foods
      • Practicing gratitude
      • Surrounding ourselves with uplifting people
      • Journaling on your life purpose and how you can serve others

It is with newfound vigor that I re-commit to courageously letting myself shine and to encouraging others to do the same.

In light of Friday's tragedy, do not mistake my hopeful optimism for ignorance or passivity or detachment or acquiescence.  Know that I smile, not because I turn a blind eye to the pain and suffering of the world, but because the pain and suffering of the world is a purple-embered fire in my soul that will fight, tooth-and-nail, to ensure that positivity triumphs over evil.

I invite you to do the same.

We do not prove our goodness by reacting to evil with anger.  We prove our goodness by reacting to evil with love.

So take that anger in your bones and harness it.  Enlist it.  Aikido it into a bone-deep INSISTENCE on getting yourself to a place where you can love the crap out or yourself today.  Love the crap out of your family, love the crap out of your boss, and love the crap out of the guy who cuts you off on the highway.

Eventually, together, we will love the crap right out of this world.

We will do it for Newtown.  We will do it for all of us.

***

Written in memory of 26 innocent souls, taken too soon, but not without provoking widespread change.

If the message in this post resounds with you, please help me spread it by sharing it any way you know how.

Coming to Terms with "Everything Happens for a Reason"

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I've never been interested in figuring out which religion is correct in their stories about God.  I do believe there is a higher power at play in my life and in yours, and I don't think it matters what we call it.  Call it God, call it Uni-verse, call it Buddha, Allah, Subconscious, Coincidence, Synchronicity, Love - call it whatever you want to call it:  I believe it will be there regardless of whether you call it anything.

What HAS been a hard pill for me to swallow on my own spiritual journey is the fact that bad things happen to good people.  If God loves us and God is omnipotent, then, honestly, God, where do You get off allowing innocent people to suffer?

The very idea of bad things happening to good people pounds my heart with anger and quickens my breathing because it's just one more reminder that, despite the copious amount of energy I've put towards inhaling good news and exhaling bad news my whole life, I really am in control of almost nothing.

Sometimes, God/Universe/Buddah/Allah/Zen is very difficult for us humans to understand.

One year ago today (12/11/11), my radiant 75-year-old grandmother died fairly suddenly, leaving 25 of her devastated family members speechless on the floor of her small hospital room.

A head-on collision with the "everything happens for a reason" statement leaves you mangled by the side of the road, staring up at the heavens, defeatedly asking, "WHY?"

I believe these collisions happen at a fork in the road. You may either go left towards bitterness, anger and defeat, or you may go right and try to find the silver lining.

Sometimes, God/Universe/Buddah/Allah/Zen is maddeningly evasive.

The bitter and angry response to heartbreak is seductive.  My grandmother worked her whole life to support not only her own seven kids and my tirelessly passionate immigrant grandfather, but dozens of extended family members too.  Her retirement was "supposed to" be spectacular.  She was "supposed to" become a snazzy old lady in the Red Hat society.  She was "supposed to" teach her great-grandkids to make chocolate breads on her bright blue formica countertops.

She wasn't "supposed to" die.  It "could have" been prevented, if only she hadn't been so good at smiling through pain.

But I think that when you love someone, you refuse to allow their death to be without reason. You refuse to allow their ordeals to have been unnecessary.

Memere's death changed my life.

Holding her hand as the clock expired on her time on this earth instilled in me a sense of urgency:  How do I want MY children and grandchildren to remember me?  What is my purpose and am I living it?  Or am I shrinking back in fear of putting myself out there?

And so, over the past year, I've moved towards my fears.

Writing Memere's eulogy about her willingness to love unreservedly forced me to own up to the ways that I have held back from love in order to protect myself.  When either I or my husband is gone, I want to know that I held nothing back.

And so, I've taken new risks in love.

It brings me to cathartic tears to consider all of the breakthroughs that have happened for me in the last 365 days, all stemming from epiphanies I had when Mem passed.

So now I wonder:  what if her "unnecessary" death was, in fact, necessary?  What if she HAD done everything she was meant to do in this life?  What if she never wanted to be a member of the red hat society anyway?  What if her final mission on this earth was to teach us a few things by leaving it?

They say that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that sometimes it's up to US to find that reason.Maybe that decision - that refusal to allow anybody we love to suffer in vain - maybe THAT is where God hides when bad things happen to good people.

Though we cannot control the fact that sad things happen to good people, we CAN control how we respond to those things.  In fact, it's the ONLY thing within our control.

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***

I dedicate this post with profound appreciation to my beloved and effervescent Memere, Lucille Mabel Cloutier Bouyssou, who we lost one year ago today.

The tears on my keyboard are a sign of how much Memere's life meant to me. The very fact that this blog exists is a sign of how much her death impacted me.

I hope everybody who loved her has grown in some way from her death, as we all have grown from her life.

Basking in the radiance of her eternal smile,

Bethany

You Already Have the Answers

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Because I run the risk of sounding more than a little TAPPED if I tell you that I think there are hidden messages to the songs that get stuck in our heads, I'm going to pose this to you from another angle.  A SCIENTIFIC angle, of course.  Because nobody argues with SCIENCE.

Now please pay careful attention to what I'm about to say because even though I have no scientific qualifications whatsoever, my "I Have a Dream" post (date TBD) will make a whole lot more sense if you've read this one first.

Plus, I really like it when people pay attention to me.

SCIENTISTS believe that our subconscious minds are supremely knowledgeable and often contain the answers to the questions we are pursuing in life.  (Herein lies the power of meditation:  allow the brain to rest, remain open to the information that appears, and receive clarity and direction.)

It's a lot like a Magic 8 Ball, only more reliable.

Here comes my theory (which quite possibly might not be MY theory, per se, but I intend to claim it as mine anyway):  I submit that that our supremely knowledgeable subconscious minds often use songs to send guidance to our conscious minds.

Listen:  I know that sounds a little whack, Jack.  Please bear with me.

Take, for example, the following compelling illustration.  A few weeks ago, I spent three days with three thoughts circulating on repeat in my brain:

• Annoyingly Repetitious Thought #1:  I wonder why Mastin [the Mastin with over 500,000 loyal blog followers] hasn't responded to the witty and thought-provoking post I sent him to consider posting on his site.  I must have offended him.  I'm so embarrassed:  what an a**hole I am for offending him.

• Annoyingly Repetitious Thought #2:  Why haven't I responded yet to a few heart-felt (and heartWARMING) emails from cherished readers of my itty-bitty blog?  I am an ass for not doing onto others.

• Annoyingly Repetitious Thought #3:   [ONE line of a John Mayer song.  Over and over.  And OVER.]  "Now I'm starting to see that maybe it has nothing to do with me."

Can't I see the subliminal message here?  Mastin's lack of response had nothing to do with me.

Obvious, right?  Not to me it wasn't.  I had myself convinced that by putting myself "out there," I had blown all future chances not only with Mastin but with every thought-leader in my field, as he had probably already sent an urgent email to Oprah and everyone else in his address book, urging them to black-list my emails.

[Warning:  Internal resistance is a sneaky, convincing, and creative story-teller, friends!  Mine creates at least one conspiracy theory per day.  If you, too, have got the boogie-woogie in you and it's got to get out, see Steven Pressfield's life-changing book, "The War of Art" for a refreshing perspective on resistance and how to sidestep it.)

Where was I?  Ahhh, yes.  If only I had paid attention to Thought #3 (a message from my supremely knowledgeable subconscious mind on INCESSANT repeat), maybe I could have saved myself the worry and used that wasted energy towards more positive endeavors.

What I'm trying to say today is this:  if you've had a question on your mind lately, consult your intuition and you'll likely find that you already have the answer.  Meditation might be a more reliable guide than HOTTRAX 102.7, but hey--whatevah floats that boat of yours.

Finally, please rest assured that skilled scientists are working diligently around the clock to ascertain why, for the love of all things holy, I have had Dominic the Donkey stuck in my head ever since I wrote this post.

(A RIG-A-JIG-JIG!!  HEE-HAW!!  HEE-HAW!!!)

Doubters Gonna Doubt. Dreamers Gotta Dream. (My Response to Someone Who Doubted Me)

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Dear Readers:

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled "I Have A Dream," but I didn't publish it because I pish-poshed my far-reaching goals, giving self-doubt a temporary win.

(My inner dialogue went something like this:  "Who amI to make such big changes in the world?  And how embarrassing would it be to put myself out there like this and then FAIL PUBLICLY??")

But this weekend, somebody laughed at my dreams.  When my proud husband shared my exciting news about being on Mastin Kipp's blog (The Daily Love) last Friday, this person exhaled patronizingly through her nose.  So you're an "inspirational blogger," she said, all snarky-like and with condescending amusement.

AS IF I aught to plant my feet on the ground and do something more "realistic"!

[Time Out:  Am I aware that I am a sensitive person?  Absolutely.  Are my hurt feelings in this situation a reflection of my own self-doubt?  Probably.  Points acknowledged.  Moving on.]

As much as I've worked to overcome my egoic pridefulness, I do not wish to overcome it completely.  There are times when the ego is not only a strong character trait but is also fundamentally essential for the improvement of our world.

The instant one corner of that person's mouth lifted--as if her smirk was fundamentally UNCONTAINABLE, I knew I would be publishing my "I Have a Dream" post.  I looked that person in the eye, smiled politely, and resolved to show her exactly what I CAN do.

Nobody--but NOBODY--laughs at my dreams but me.

That's the beauty of the doubters, dear readers:  they show us how much we believe in ourselves.  They show us the urgency of our forward movement.

We send the doubters light and love and empathize with them, since we know that their doubt in us is only a reflection of how much they doubt themselves.  We have been in that dismal place of crippling fear.  And--similar to how we feel when we leave the DMV--we know we never want to go back to that place again.

It's also our job, Dreamers, to do our damnedest to prove the Doubters wrong.  They may never "see the light" that the future can be brighter than today (if only we vow to make it so.)  But if we DO go valiantly in the direction of our dreams, then at least our actions will give descendants of the doubters hope that they, too, can change the world.

You've probably heard it said that "from s/he to whom much has been given, much is expected."

I've always thought of that saying in terms of material wealth.  But now I think it's even more important in regards to intangible things.  I think that saying applies beautifully to the possession of HOPE.

Many people have been led to believe that positive change is hopeless.  They think the "good ole' days" are forever gone and that society, our country, and our planet are plundering head-first to an even more dismal future.

But some of us do have hope that our actions--OURS, PERSONALLY and collectively--can make a positive difference in this world.

We all have doubts.  Even the most successful people in history have doubted themselves, and doubted themselves often.

But if, in addition to our doubts, we ALSO feel drawn towards our HOPE, then it is our right--no, our DUTY--to pursue those unrealistic dreams because from s/he to whom HOPE has been given, much is expected.

The person who doubted me this weekend was right:  my dreams ARE unrealistic.  I would be doing the world a disservice if I returned to my "realistic" goals.

[Hint:  if you're feeling depressed by the daily grind, that may be a sign that you need to make your goals a little more UNrealistic.  Also, if you perceive your sensitivity as a "weakness" (that's a rut I was stuck in for 31 years), I'd wager a bet that most of the people who have elicited positive change in our world have been motivated to do so BECAUSE they were so damn sensitive.]

The very fact that my dreams are "unrealistic" is exactly why I'm going to be so giddy when I am doing the back float through a proverbial swimming pool of accomplished unrealistic dreams.

So, my next post will be my "I Have a Dream" post.  Until then, please brainstorm and share your "unrealistic" hopes.  I really want to hear about them.

ONWARDS, DREAMERS!

With light and love for the Doubters, the Dreamers, and the Candlestick-Makers, Bethany

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Keep It Simple Santa: How to Walk the Walk for a Simple Holiday

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Simplify, Simplify, Simplify:  That's my motto from now through the holidays.

Yesterday, we scrapped our plans to visit the children's' museum so we could take a walk as a family.  Midway through, I sat on the cold ground and watched the sunlight bounce off my daughter's hair.  The way she turned her head into the wind while the salt air blew the seagulls' cries towards us brought me instantly back to childhood days at the beach when I was cuddled under a towel, pondering nothing other than the sound of the seagulls muffled by the wind.

Simple perfection.  And yet, we could have been battling crowds at the museum.

On Saturday, instead of rushing around to make an elaborate meal for my husband after his long work week, I threw some chicken in the crock pot so that I could lay on the floor with him and relish the sweet discomfort of our babies stepping on our bellies and faces as we huddled together.  Seemingly for the first time, I looked into his eyes and noticed that his pupils dilate when he looks into mine.   When our kids got intermittently distracted, I stole kisses from my husband, nibbling his giant bottom lip and appreciating its rubbery texture between my teeth.

Simple perfection.  And yet, I could have been cooking.

I get it right sometimes, this "Simplify" thing.  Other times:  not so much.   Like when I write lately.  Not so simple.

(Actually - let me ask you facetiously:  is starting and then scrapping seven posts on seven different subjects a good example of simplification?  Because if so, then my writing process for today's post has been a resounding success.  NAILED IT, actually!!)

But no:  I've blown 99% of my allocated writing time today to a cornocopia of half-baked ideas, and yet all I have in front of me is a blank screen and what I've claimed to be my mantra:  Simplify.  Simplify.  Simplify.

My handicap when it comes to writing is that I want to be too many things for too many people:  kinda like the way many of us approach the holidays.

When I blog, I want to be funny but not crass.  Informative but not boring.  Inspiring but not "out there."  Self-revealling but not self-deprecating.  Optimistic but not saccharine.  Memorable and not only a little bit memorable.

My blank screen is a classic case of too many good intentions coming together to result in nothing good at all:  kind of like mixing all the play dough colors together.  So I remind myself:  Keep It Simple, S…anta.

Last week, I retweeted Gabrielle Bernstein:  "When you think you need to do more, you probably need to do less."

I want to land on the "walkie-walkie" side of the line that delineates the walkers from the talkers.  So, with Gabby's wisdom in mind, I am going to publish this post even though my brain is telling me I need to do more with it, say more in it, be funnier in it, move a couple more mountains with it...and to do so in fewer words.

It's not always easy for me to drop into my heart, but when I do, I know that I am enough.  This post is enough.

That switch--that decision to act from our hearts instead of our heads--that's what the holidays are all about, isn't it?

That's what life is all about.

So when I say I want to simplify this holiday season, what I actually mean is that I want to act from my heart, not from my head.

I think a lot of us feel pressured to "make the most" of the holiday season by crafting like Martha Stewart, baking like Mrs Claus, gifting like Santa, volunteering like Jesus, all the while caroling like Buddy the Elf even though we feel as frazzled as the guy who says "hanging Christmas lights" in the 12 days of Christmas song.

Frankly, I don't think it matters how MUCH or how LITTLE we do for the holidays.  I think that ALL that matters is that we are acting from our hearts and not from our heads.

So if you love craft-wizardry like Martha, then deck those halls, baby.  If you love to cook, then don ye now your gay apparel and BAKE, baby--BAKE.  If gift-giving is your love language and you have the resources, then oh by gosh, by jingle:  knock yourself out, channel Oprah and give EVERYBODY a car.

But if you're giving or decking or baking or crafting because that's what your brain THINKS you "should" do, then please breathe deeply and "think" again.  Listen with your heart this time.  And you'll know whether you aught to finish baking those cookies or just lay on the floor covered in flour and sugar,  eating the batter and pondering where, exactly, Frosty the Snowman GOES when he waves goodbye singing, "don't you cry."

Perhaps an even better holiday mantra than "Simplify, Simplify" might be "From the heart!  From the heart!."

On the likely chance that we FORGET that this is our mantra, I propose that we sing "From the heart!  From the heart!" to the tune of "HEE-HAW, HEE-HAW," a classic line in the "Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey" song.

That will guarantee that it gets stuck in our heads, at least through New Year's.

Doing less stuff with more light,

Bethany

Right on Time to Break the Cycle.

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At any random moment, my 16-month-old daughter is liable to throw her head back, laugh heartily at the sky, and run forward blindly with arms back and chest out until she collapses to the ground in a fit of laughter.

It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed.  And it happens (seemingly) unprovoked.

I've been thinking a lot about "Lettin' It Shine" lately, chewing on what I think that phrase actually means.  (Hint:  I DON'T think its application is limited to our positive, "shiny" emotions.)

One thing that is very clear to me from watching my kids is that "Lettin' It Shine" is not something we need to LEARN.  It's something we are BORN knowing.  It's something that we (tragically) UN-LEARN over time.

To put it more confusingly, in order to truly Let It Shine, we need to un-learn our un-learning.  [That's all!]

But how is it that we stop shining in the first place?  And WHY??

***[Cut to scene 2.]***

We're five minutes late for preschool already and I don't even have the kids in the car yet.  I'm carrying my son's bagel with cream cheese and jelly between my teeth while holding my toddler to my hip with one arm, dodging her attempts to grab the bagel by continuously flicking my head to the side, carrying two overflowing bags and two water bottles with the other arm, and attempting to open the car door.

My back is twitching again.

I stayed up later than I should have again last night, so I am (predictably) groggy this morning.  I'm not on my A-game.

I drop the two bags and water bottles on the ground, open the car door, put the bagel on the seat, and while I'm trying to wrestle my daughter into her car seat, I turn to see that my son is sauntering around our front yard with a long stick held to his nose, pretending to be an elephant.  I remind him (for the UMPteenth time) that we are late:   leave the stick here for later and get-in-the-CAR.

I wrestle a little more with wrestler-baby then glance at my son again.

"MmmmmMMMMMMMMMMPH!!!" he trumpets.  His head is hanging low, his weight sauntering from side to side, his feet plodding slowly…exactly like an elephant.

"LISTEN TO ME," I say.  I am firm and my voice is low and slow:  my best intimindating mom voice.  "I am taking that stick and you are getting in the car right now."

I grab the stick.

"BUT I WANT TO PUT IT IN THE CLOSET," he yells.  ["Garage," he means.  He's been keeping that stick in there every night since the hurricane.  It's thin, crooked in several places so as to take up maximum garage space (or, maybe, to make it look more like an elephant trunk), and it's at least ten feet long.]

"WE ARE LATE!" I say.  "THE STICK IS SAFE HERE IN THE DRIVEWAY.  WE CAN LEAVE IT HERE AND PLAY WITH IT WHEN YOU GET HOME.  NOW GET-IN-THE-CAR," I say.  (Not quite as low and slow that time.)

Now he is crying.  It's not the manipulative, I'm-trying-to-get-my-way cry.  It's his genuinely heart-broken and heart-breaking I-am-concerned-about-my-elephant-trunk cry.

And all of a sudden all of my recent reflections about why we humans forget how to "Let It Shine" smack me in the face--as if I just stepped on a rake.  WHAT AM I DOING?

I purse my lips into an "O" and blow:  a physical release of my disappointment in myself.  CAN'T I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?

My son is teaching me how beautiful that long and twisted dead stick is, and all I am thinking about is how much room it has been occupying in my recently-cleaned garage.

He is coaching me on how to enjoy the small things and I am hurrying him up so that we can--WHAT?--get to NURSERY SCHOOL??  Where they don't give a damn if you are late?  Where they sing and color and teach you to ENJOY THE SMALL THINGS??

My son is showing me how to let it shine and not only am I not taking the lesson in it, I am squashing HIS light.

Don't get me wrong:  I think kids need discipline and I think they need to learn to respect their parents.  If I make a rule, I need to follow through and teach my children to obey.

But why make the rule in this case?  How did we get here?  Do I not know that my son will take his splendid time noticing beauty on his way through the garage EVERY morning?

Why do I not plan time for that into our day?  Why must he adjust to MY pace, instead of me coming down to HIS pace more often?  Why do I not get myself to bed earlier at night so that I can have the PATIENCE to recognize what is and is not important in the morning?

This is how it happens, isn't it?  This is how we UN-LEARN how to shine.  Our parents are our teachers and if our parents do not take care of themselves and let themselves shine then when we grow to mirror them, we shine less, too.

It's time that we un-learn the un-learning, catchers of light.  It's time that we break the cycle by rocking our basic happiness fundamentals so that we can model--for our children, for ourselves, and for our peers--what it means to glow with an inner light.

This week, I'm committing to a 10:45pm lights-out time.  Every night.  No excuses.  I'm planning time into our morning for a toddler's pace (you should too, regardless of whether you have a toddler) and if we ARE "late" for something whose start-time doesn't matter, I'm going to relax and be laissez-faire about it.

Next time I think I am "late" for an appointment, I aught to pay attention because I might ACTUALLY be RIGHT ON TIME for the elephant parade.

Rock the Omnipotent EVERYDAY Vote

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As a ridiculous amount of luck and love would have it, I had the opportunity to jet-set to DC on a whim this weekend.  For free.  Just me and my hubby.  WHAAAT.

Oh, America.  Sweet, sweet land of liberty.

As my brain is swirling with reflections from two days in our nation's capital, I find myself both excited to share some newly-budding ideas and also leaning towards quiet contemplation.

Given that you're bound to be inundated with lots of charged political opinions today, I want this post to serve as a haven amongst the noise.  That's why I'm including a few unrelated impromptu photos I recently took of my cherished friend's two sweet sons.  Are their smiles not intoxicating?

Before jumping back to the political commentary of the moment, let's just pause, take a few deep breaths, and appreciate the restorative effect of happy souls, eh?  [Happy sigh.]

My two grandfathers (one who risked his life in Iwo Jima to defend this country, the other who immigrated to America for the liberties afforded us) would want me to remind you to vote today.

While, yes, I do believe that casting an educated vote is an important birthright and national responsibility, personally, I feel more inclined to remind you to consider the votes you make (maybe unconsciously) every day.

For example:  if you're voting for the candidate who you think will make the better decisions for our environment, then--please--tell me you you don't ask for the extra styrofoam cup to keep your iced coffee cold when you go to Dunkin Donuts.  Tell me you use a refillable water bottle instead of the disposable ones.  Tell me you--at least occasionally--buy organic.

(Otherwise, please think twice before you claim on Facebook that you are concerned with the opposing party's decisions regarding the environment.)

If you're voting, today, against the power of big businesses, then please be conscious that every dollar you spend at big businesses is a vote against your cause.  To support small businesses, cast your vote DAILY by shopping locally whenever possible.  (That's as much a reminder to myself as it is to you.)

You get my point.  The argument can be extended to whatever your hot topic is for this election.

I do not claim to know which candidate is better for you or for our country.

What seems blazingly obvious to me, though, is that if we took half the amount of passion we are using to defend our candidates in this election and applied that energy to conscious decisions in our own lives, we could do a hell of a lot more for our nation (and our world) than one president could ever do on his own.

Voting in an election is important but--please--let's not confuse ourselves into thinking we've done our part if that's all we've done for our causes.

Together, let's take a few more restorative happy-soul breaths in this safe haven and then let's charge forward while we rock the omnipotent everyday vote.

Let freedom ring, Light-Catchers.  For the children.

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